Encountering Flowers

A hot fuzz always looms overhead whenever I witness someone other than I receiving flowers. Bizarrely enough its not because I fancy a bouquet for myself; mainly due to my total lack of green thumb-ness. Place a plant in my office, pathway, same road in which I am traveling on and its a certain guarantee to the likelihood that I will murder it. Flowers are definitely the ultimate display of affection most ardently if its neither expected nor insisted upon. If its a birthday its commonplace however it its for no apparent reason and a nosegay or two should happen itself onto your workspace then its the most pleasing of its kind.

Today as it were I was not the receiver of flowers rather a lovely gal who assisted me in the swimwear department at Nordstrom. Yes, I know its hard to surmise that I would be wondering about in NS however I DID need the LaBlanca Summer 2009 tankini...it was calling to me!!!!! "Cool Kid....buy me! DO IT!" And I never like to let anyone down. Its olive and cream abstract print will coordinate most respectively with the unavoidable tan I intend on acquiring via a mini-break to Florida. Wow, I digress. None the more I was face to face with Soriah who was dancing on the ceiling over her arrangement delivered, so being a inquiring sod I asked questions and Soriah had answers; thirty minutes worth.

Soriah had just ended a three year stint with her previous, "man," and yes she dared to call him a man which is amazing to me because in the sea that I swim in they appear to be very little boys. So here I was sitting in the cloakroom with Soriah discussing her relationship. (She did give me gratis to discuss this and to use her name). So there we were and she was telling me the rudimentary way in which this previous acquaintance pursued her, captured her heart and then took it fishing in a sea of swill and left it to dry and crust over. So now she heart hardened was a bit cynical. She went out with a few pals for a night of libation where she met a charming gentle "boy" and he bought her a drink. She felt that he was clearly not his type, being a far cry more attractive than he and albeit successful. One drink later and he was asking for her telephone number which she resisted divulging. So he suggested rather than a date that they sit and grab dinner almost immediately that night. They joined one another for a bite of sushi and she was able to get to know him. Rather unconventional but definitely a wise decision on her behalf as there were no distractions and they really took the time to get to know one another without the watchful eye of friends in tow. Two weeks later they were walking hand in hand in and out of the finest restaurants in New England. Nervous that things were moving too fast and that she had not given herself enough breathing room she stepped back and stopped returning his calls.

It had been about a week since they had formally spoken; as the relationship relented to texts only. She gave herself time to think things over and gasp for air. When the week was over she still had not formally had a discussion with him and figured that they were short-lived. The exact two week mark quickly arrived and she was enraged. Yes, it was she who took some time apart but didn't he question the distance? Didn't he miss her? Were there other women? "Wow," she thought! And just as she was about to delete his phone number and email address entirely from her life she received a delivery.................flowers. The most amazing arrangements of lilies; fragrant and bursting with life. The card read, "not one more day can go on without you, call me beautiful! I miss you!" -Antonio. And this immediately made my heart melt from stone to pudding. She started to cry at which time I reached in my fancy bag for a handkerchief. I offered it to her; puzzled by my traditional cloth she blotted her eyes and hugged me. I know I bring out the hug in everyone while I detest it so. Once her eyes dried from the moist tears she came to with all seriousness and said, "should I call him?" My knee-jerk reaction was to ask if he were a hottie but she was staring at me daggers pointed and really needed my advice.

I ran through the questions most agressively to help her decide just what she needed to ask herself.

1) Do you fancy him? Yes

2) Can you live without him? No

3) Do you get all giggy inward when he sends you a message or calls you? Yes

4) Are you sad that so much time has passed since you've last seen him? Severely

5) Do you miss his kisses? Uhhh YES!

So naturally she answers the questions as if she would walk to the altar with him! I did what any right minded gal pal would do and told her to dial. I was her bonafide lookout while she called him from a tiny fitting room in the swimwear nook of Nordstrom. Once she made the call tears came bursting from her eyes....VOICEMAIL!

Naturally I was not suprised, any man who has waited a prolonged amount of time since he's last spoken to his love interest clearly wants her to leave a delicate voicemail so that he knows how she would react to the flowers and if she really wanted to speak to him or if she was angered. Of course she disconnected the phone before he finished speaking his message. She was fully disappointed as the frustration of build up had fully ensued. What was she going to do, how would she cope with the moments of uncertainty that prevailed............BRRRINNGG!!!!!!!! Vibrate. Vibrate..........."Oh my GOD its ANTONIO!!!!!!!!" she screamed. So I told her to pickup. And what does this dumb bitch do, "HA! If that mutha sucka thinks I am talking to him now that he made me wait so long he is mistaken. MIS-TAKE-N!"

And she marched out of the fitting room to her cash wrap desk and dumped the gorgeous arrangements in the trash. "BUMP HIM!"

It was at that time I no longer envied Soriah. It was at that time where I no longer desired flowers of my own. Rather I paid for my tankini, ran the hell out of Nordstrom and made a mad dash for the car where I quickly lit a capri. It was like a gut-wrenching roller-coaster feeling I never wanted to experience ever again. How could she. How could he. How could most; deal with the frustrations of dating games. This makes me utterly thankful for my digression from all the romance, the dance, the whole lot of it. Daters take note. Whatever happens in these situations; communication is key and no matter what honesty is without question the best policy.

No flowers. No bullshit, and you always get what you want.

Women ARE Stronger Then Men.

While we let the belief that women were the weaker sex for some time the methodology has been obliterated it and is categorically been proven that women are stronger then men. Its absolutely nothing to do with the physical nature of the experiment because clearly of the physical sense were to additionally procure this belief we would have a shitload of American Gladiator-esque women tromping about; and I don't know about you but this makes be a bit insecure and uneasy. Nonetheless today was a testament to how women are definitely stronger in many ways.

I witnessed three girls today toil in the potential date-planning process. They had the plans laid out from the schedule of self-mani/pedi to the brocades of wardrobe they would adorn themselves in. Hair styles were discussed, make-up strength was also a topic for conversation. It was also decided that no bite of nourishment other than the occasional noshing of veg tables (the non-bloating variety) and utmost hydration would ensue. It was to be the perfect night and it would include.......bowling. GASP! Bowling, the absolute anti-Christ of sanitary conditions, both feet and fingers. The discussion of what who's shoe size would be to the deep pondering of whether or not the previous participant whose ball you would use would have washed after a trip to the loo......fecal particles in the eye people......"pink-eye???" Anyone?? No??

Anyway the best laid plans were in the works. All we would need would be the dates.....

Girl #1; limited bullshit tolerance. Spoke to date earlier in the day while driving to the beach were he told her that if his hangover were to subside he would meet here there.....does not own a cell phone so would rely on fate to bring his destination clear however he never showed. Later in the afternoon left a vague message not referring to the date or apologizing for the apparent absence. Girl #1 was ready to cancel the date.


Girl #2; easy-going. Did not speak to date all day. Not concerned not going to send a message or call because she is so cool that she knows he will definitely not break plans. She is a bit mature for him and thus holds the intimidating card stack. This will work in her favor if her deck is stacked properly.

Girl #3; super-girl. This girl is the type of girl that gives the men the benefit of the doubt. She makes a hoard of excuses for her guy and would never question his behavior because she does not see the need in it. She too is more mature however brings herself down to the level playing field which makes her vulnerable.



So all three girls make plans to go to bowling. #1 after receiving the message starts to doubt the possibility of the date happening. She wonders if she really even wants to participate with him because he does not see her needs before his own and he made her look bad in front of her girls. #2 still does not worry. #3 could also worry less because she can rely on her magic to make all predictions and it predicted YES. Once all three girls head home from the beach the all take on specific tasks; #1 takes a nap, #2 does the whole spa activity and #3 cleans her entire house and does the laundry. #3 also gets on the scale refusing to eat dinner after her findings. #3 also starts to get concerned because she has not heard from her date. This is unlike him. He is generally reliable and she knows very well she cannot call him because she sent him a text earlier in the day so she calls #2. #2 has not heard from her date but reports that #1's date has showed up at her house already and they are ready to add a precursor dinner to the list of the nightly activities. #3 is stunned but still hopeful. She keeps up the good work and waits patiently for her magical date to rear his head from whichever golf course or television set he might be looming around. She has a missed call as she runs the vacuum....#2 is calling. She gets a call from her date who is also game for dinner and some ball tossing.....all is happy a gleeful for #1 and #2.

#3 left alone. No contact to up to the minute................and what does she think?????

Last time I checked in with her......she couldn't care less. This is why women are stronger then men. They have the ability not to care when they want to care and the ability to dodge a lousy romp at the divey bowling alley. As real girls don't play with big balls. Instead they play with a smaller variety.....#3 cannot wait to kick her vacant date in his!


As a side note when asked to join the trio I politely declined in order to publish this blog. I suck at bowling anyway.....yuck!