And So I Pray

It snowed yesterday. As it always does December 19th.

Tears are streaming down my face and into the keyboard as I listen to Jem and think about how this day went 18 years ago. The day my mother left for heaven. And for damn sure I know that is just where she ended up. I do not think I have ever managed to fully engage with anyone who ever matched up to her perfection. She was the nicest/real person I have ever met.

18 years ago my mother woke at 6am on her vacation to watch the neighbor's son while I was getting ready for school. She was just across the street. I went to school and enjoyed my day. While I was at school my mother, grandmother and great aunt spent the day baking Italian Christmas cookies (to think they are probably together in heaven doing just that right now). I still have a cookie(I froze it and its still intact). When I came home from school my mother was cooking dinner and I had to go to dance class. She did not look right, she felt sick. I knew something was wrong and I did not want to go to dance. So I fought with my father....he made me go. When my father returned from bringing me to dance....my mother was gone. She left and it was only 4 days before Christmas.

My affinity for the holidays has never been strong beyond that day. My emotional element has never been strong beyond that day. Very few people know the look of my tears. The only discussion where I can actually cry is when I talk about this person who only lived in my life for a short period of time but never managed to leave my heart.

So on the day that marks the 18 years I have been without you Mom.....I have not forgotten about you for one second. You are with me all the time. I know you look out for me. I wish that we could have gotten to the day that I could return the favor. When I think about that I just cry more.

At this difficult time in my life I wish I had you around to tell me what to do. But deep inside I have the innate feeling you are already on the task.

I love you mommy and I wish that you were here but take care. 6,570 days and counting of missing you!