Auld Lang Syne

This year commiserated with the good, the bad and the ugly. Economic difficulties, emotional breakdowns, loves lost, friends lost and families parting. However with all the old comes the anew for which be bid adieu to the breakdown to fully focus on the the positives. Today is a day of reflection. Its our opportunity to flash forward towards the gate of possibility; to resolve against our demons. Not all acquaintances should be forgot; rather all encounters should be measured and weighed against their values. When one door closes the other one opens. Many of us are quite ready to close the door on 2009 and let 2010 bring a host of prosperity. Many adjectives go into describing the onslaught of a new year; and we welcome them with open arms. The deeper meaning behind the commencement of New Years Eve is a chance for friends and family to gather and usher in the endless. We've made it this far in life and we seal up the seas between us on this night and at the stroke of midnight we are born again in the baptismal spirit of the New Year. Happy to all.

What Do You Want?

As Robbie Williams recently quotes in his song "Bodies," Jesus didn't die for you. It seems a fair bit trite to examine his motives by writing such a thing. He is not exactly the pillar of morality nonetheless he brings a grey lined point. You are not perfect, so stop meandering around in a world that is indicative like you might just be. There is very little you can do to change a person's mind once it is made. Most people are not exactly the most impressionable once the gauntlet has been dropped. I for one am the last person to turn my back on a brilliant decision; and most of the time I spend a fair bit considering implications before making it. Like the whole entire concept of friends post dating. It is quite an anomaly really. To think of yourself being able to conduct a bona fide friendship with someone post flagrancy is just blasphemous towards the concept of coupling. And let's just be honest; you don't kiss you friends. I know I prefer not to. The modus operandus for entering into a physical and emotional relationship with someone is because you feel something serendipitous that you would not normally endure with a simple friendship. And most of the time post break-up there is a necessary amount of healing that must go on before you are ready to even conduct a dialogue with a former partner. As women we don't consider it flattering to be tossed aside by careless excuses to end a connection on one end and then start it on another; as friends. As women we typically travel in packs. We are never alone. We have strength in numbers. Once established we manage to fill up our datebooks with plans and dates with new suitors. We don't have the post-date agonizing time to labor towards a pathetic excuse for a friendship let alone you real motive. Nonetheless if you feel that its acceptable to essentially "dump" us and then desire to be your friend.....you might as well surrender to the fact that you are the village idiot and get help for that. Texting us wondering why you have not heard from us just solidifies the moot point.

We didn't want to be your friend. We don't need anymore friends. Please walk away with your minimalist dignity intact, we'll at least give you partial credit for that. Enjoy football season; they make it in HD now......and we don't care. We are too busy with cuter, more successful boys with style and swagger. Have fun now!

Put The Flame On Me

You've got that Hollywood glow but there isn't a girl who does not already know. I can't hear you right and I've got my fingers in my ears. You're so busy teaching lessons you don't even know. Shame on me, shame on me thinking it was so easy. So put the flame on me. But I'm not sure if you understand I have to jump but I've got a place to land. This crash won't burn and it will be so easy. So put the blame on me. Walls, cave in. Thought I'd lost my way, or come unhinged. Nonetheless realizing that the quantity stature has nothing to do with the quality inside. Center of the universe I am not. Waiting I won't do. This heart is true. How does it feel to know you're so young in mind. Lacking depth, swimming in the shallow side. This won't effect me forever, I'm 6 feet deep. Moving forward, and not behind; electronic words. This bird can fly. I can feel it inside, but can't explain how it feels. Whispering I won't go....I'll always be here...but I need love. I'm a lady not a girl. I had a dream of holding hands with no intellectual strain. But this mind is strong and I'd rather be in hell then stay with you forever or ever take your name. You are not the man for me. If you leave me lonely, my heart will be crushed. I need love but its not yours. I'm into quality labels; and you've not one.

WE WE WE All The Way Home

Recently whilst mulling it over a bunch of GUS (grown up sodas) was the subject of coupling discussed amongst single girls. It wasn't one of those typical conversations where they were left singing "Ut Oh" on a Friday night rather it was the subject of when two individuals become the "we." Don't get me wrong; the world is a much grander place when you share it with someone special. The issue lies in the impact that "we" has on the single brood. The gals go for drinks on the weekend. The guys play pool, etc. Couples however do it a little bit differently and yet so mundanely. "We" went house hunting, "we" opened a bottle of wine, "we" went to the cinema, etc. Well while it sounds quite lovely there are those of us who are struggling to be a "we" and fail most catastrophically.

There is not an over abundance of great mates out there. Some travel through the ravages of time seeking the notion that there is something out there for them to complete life and make them whole. Nonetheless the struggle to make it a go is time consuming and daunting at times. Most dates end in epic failure and can often times be assimilated with Chinese water torture (think the first 40 rainy minutes of Memoir of A Geisha). Toxic love can dry our fears but when we are left with little more than a raw and opened chemical burn do we really need the lye to be dumped into the open wound on top of the gaping vulnerability that coexists? I hear more times than not that its terribly painful to find a date to a wedding as a single gal much less land a life partner to make the me a "we!" So when a single converses with a couplet the last planetary alignment statement they need to be reckoned with is "we." Don't get them wrong, what you have is quite special and we envy you tremendously. Nonetheless the fact remains that we are soldiers in battle, and need the chance to gain access to the medal of honor...the "we."

My advice singles, is be patient and empathetic. While you might just be a me, there is no hindrance from taking your single self out for a night on the town. You never know where the "we" might be.

Guys Always Finish

Derived from its inappropriate title is a story about a girl. This was not just any particular girl but the kind of wunderkind that knocks your socks off and blows your mind. She is practically perfect in every way possible give or take a few minor flaws. Thus our subject is fed up. Open hearted she is perpetually in search of someone to fill her up. She is beauty and brains, sex appeal and wanton. What she lacks however is the limited tolerance towards men and the games they play. Its as if every precursor to a date is bliss and then once things get to their realistic peak she reaches it with all her might to only slide back down the slippery slope of the meeting left with an empty mailbox and a future of false hope towards the next endeavor. She seeks the perpetual wisdom of her closest confidants for support and that which they offer is never going to change her ways. See its not her whatsoever that is the issue of the matter rather the selection process of which she proceeds that is lackluster and gaping with disappointment. Her desired medium is a bevy of superficiality whom would never fully appreciate the beauty of her painting. See for this girl there is more to her than just a heart beat. There is a pulse which is checked with utmost care in which she has her finger on. And while I offer this one countless amounts of advice it might be that she is checking the wrong vein. The vanity vein instead of the deeper arteries that determine the depth of one's empathy. If this beautiful creature could see herself as the explosion of beauty that she really is than perhaps she would see that the vacant selections of late are nothing more than thorns and weeds in her garden of roses she would understand that her blood and bloom are red with lusciousness. They are to be appreciated by the most discerning of tastes; vampires not included. Pit vipers excluded. Allow your heart to open young girl. Embrace the alternative appreciation in its grandeur without delusion. You are truly worth what it takes to fill you up and make you whole. In life and in the bedroom, guys always finish but with matters of the heart, you deserve to finish first.

Organic Growth

There is no firm way to know whether or not you made the right decision. Especially when it comes to romance.  Its always a myth between friends whether or not we selected the right suitor once we have agreed to the commitment however the wiser would weigh the pros and cons beforehand just to be certain altogether this person was in fact the right one.  We have a tendency to sail above the deeper issues rather than to dive right into them and dissect their deeper meanings.  Below the ancillary tissue lies the security we can anchor ourselves to or float elsewhere dependent on if we give ourselves the time that it takes to determine; what is right?  Most are blinded by the superficial flighty feelings that accompany a new romance. Endless phone calls, emails, text messaging, picture mail, flowers, candy, surprise visits and endless dinner dates later.  How to tell?  The only measurement thus far is how one restaurant or florist can outweigh another.  Its as if Hallmark and FTD have a stranglehold on our emotions.  If that is the case perhaps we might want to involve the pharmaceutical companies and condom vendors.  They all play the same role in the modern day courtship, why not?  Rational, I think not.  Rather highly the opposed.  

There is a word tossed around a word very loosely lately though slightly overlooked.  Organic. Whilst its meaning normally pertains to produce and wine it is the organic growth of a relationship that is more meaningful than cards, flowers and the additional swill that merchants can toss your way to cloud your judgement.  While its altogether lovely to receive a darling bouquet of stargazer lilies, most men never get the order correct and almost always opt for something simple and familiar. Once received men are left with a false sense of accomplishment for a deed done haphazardly and women a sense of disappointment.  I digress. Back to the topic of organic growth.    As we get older we feel as if the window of opportunity is declining sharply.  We feel overwhelmingly rushed to drive home a commitment that we overlook the fact that we could be co inhabitants with a perfect stranger.  Rather if we had given ourselves the time and space that we needed to grow a relationship the old fashioned way; with time and investment we could have developed something altogether different.  

A gardener grows the best tomatoes when he takes the time to tend to them, watering and weeding and much like a relationship they grow slowly however strong and beautifully.   We get to know others in due time....without a sense of a time lapse.  So it stands to wonder why we are also so rushed to accomplish a commitment with a perfect stranger.  It is better to give each other time and space to get to know one another.  The bond will grow to fruition over time with proper tending and organic growth.  Like a farmer with his crop it takes time, it takes patience.   All in all the end result something beautiful, enjoyed by both grown organically with the love and grace that can be provided strongly by both parties to enjoy.

Inside A Glass of Water

Everyone has had their frustrations of daily life.  It can be a painful experience.  We however have the weights and measures to balance an otherwise imbalanced existence.  The struggle remains only in what we stack to highly against what is rightfully ours.  If you place too much pressure on your place in life and what you make of it you will only run away from it pensive and slightly shredded.  Learning this many times from my own mistakes and delusions of grandeur find me at peace in my wagers to slow things down and allow what is rightfully so take its time and afford the trappings of what one deserves.  From my glass of water there are many things floating inside.  And while most would abhor the idea of it I believe my cup is full of loveliness and desired destiny.  Long gone are the pains of discrepancy and guilt.  Eradicated are fears and for one split second there is a possibility that the impossible has been eliminated.  Strength in connections and something more than the superficial expectations has most ardently been achieved within acceptable parameters.  The glass overflows with many offerings because one spent the most patient of times waiting for it to get its fill of what grew over time to be an abundance of perfection ever so slightly.  

When Is Enough.... Enough?

When is the right time to throw in the towel.  I might be living my life like its golden but is the rest of the world?  I have my freedoms, and travel where I choose to go and yet a piece of me often times feels a little lack and nude.  Delving into the arms of a relationship always seems a desirable expectation.  However when I explore the inner-workings of those whom exist in it I feel compelled to praise my efforts.   I could most easily settle for something that satisfies the qualms of those who watch me from the outside with their opinions and suggestions bantering the thick of my skin.   And at what expense would they be satisfied but that of my own.  I often times feel as if my mobile doubles as a lifeline for those suffering through relationship turbulence.  I answer, I listen and I attempt to offer the best and most unbiased advice I can conceptualize without regard to what I could actually do in a situation as such.  For a moment I will acknowledge my accolades. Not my education or work experience or other random talents. Those come with titles of self-expression. Rather the accomplishment of knowing that I can and did walk away from the most irreverent of catastrophic relationships.  To love and to lose is better than not loving at all; if that is the case I would have preferred to take the latter.  Single women so immensely desire a "boyfriend" or "husband" at what cost?  Many drinks, many evenings at local venues with the same tired faces.  It just seems a little stale.  Perhaps even the off chance of an Internet encounter when a dash of impatience kicks in to reveal an otherwise tired sense of desperation .

So just what is the motivation behind wanting to be coupled?  I have no conceptual understanding of just what the goal is.  I being a single myself enjoy the trappings of consult-free compromise.  No negotiating, no fuss. Its easy to wake on days gone by and not have to answer to anyone.  Perhaps I have indulged in my freedom and became accustomed to its features and benefits. After all if men and women are different sexes perhaps we prefer to run separate.  I cannot imagine the possibility of a man wanting to read the same texts I choose and I certainly cannot picture the possibility of a man sitting parallel to my desires to watch certain films.  Its just improbable.  Again, I ask when enough is enough and we resign to the fact that not all persons were meant to be coupled. And its also quite plausible that the concept other than the false sense of reality and superficiality of finding the perfect person is overrated. 

When is enough searching enough.  

For those of us who happen to know exactly what they want; when do you get to actually get what you want?  How long do you have to wait to get it?  When do you throw in the towel and accept the fact that you have abundance and grandeur singularly and you had it better than you thought you always did?

Everything is Illuminated

As the past 15 days breezed right past as if it were nothing I had many moments to myself to reflect. I suppose its easy to do when you are surrounded by a country full of beautiful single people. So many are betrothed to one another but a meager few acutally married. I was always the marrying kind but when it all comes down to it perhaps not. Traveling as a single is much easier than two. One suitcase, one passport and one responsible party. In a country full of singles its to any wonder why anyone would want to be married. Making expensive international phone calls to a man who had no interest in what you were doing or if you were still standing. Lucky if he so much as took the call at all. And when you were greeted by the sound of his voice how were you to expect that the sound on the other line would be so dissatisfied with you unbenounced. So is it any wonder as I embark on my last few hours in this beautiful city full of history and beauty; am I alone in it or is it alone in me?

A Little Questionnaire

I've come to realize that my last kiss...out of fairytale or a BMW commercial.....

I am listening to...Julia type fast.

I talk...as if its the last time I could conceivably do so.

I love... therefore I am.

My best friends... contribute to me fete of insanity.

My first real kiss...the skating rink at 9 years.

Love is...elusive at times.

Marriage is...not for the faint at heart.

Somewhere, someone is thinking...I think I'll take a deep breath now.

I always...walk through life with my mind clear and eyes open......ha.

The last time I really cried was because...I could not find the strength within myself to adjust to a new life.

My cell phone... is an electronic leash.

When I wake up in the morning... I desire tea.

When I go to sleep...I sleep.

Right now...at Julia's office killing time.

Babies are...equally elusive.

I get annoyed when...I cannot control my emotions.

Today I... am in Munich.

Tomorrow I... will be in Venice.

I really want to be...nowhere else but right here, right now.

It Does. As It Will

Age has a strange and beautiful way of catching up with you when you least expect it to. Just when you think you have reached your pinnacle of achievements and succcesses it nips at you in the hindparts. For example my travels have managed to take me over most landmarks. I absolutely enjoy my time away as I am a professional escape artist. When the environment around me gets too heavy on my shoulders I flee passport within my clutches. I travel to lands far away with the hopes of seeing those rarely whom can reinvigorate my mundane existince. I enjoy the heartbeat of every city I encounter; but the crux of my issue lies within my own heart. Its not fair to estimate that the reason I am here is due to a broken heart because after some mediatation on the subject I do not feel that I really had the opportunity to love at its core. Rather I was in surface love with an idea that did not suit me or really apply itself to my joy. I am not left alone with the wretches and ravages of a termination of love. While it seems like I have endured a significant amount of pain an embarassment I have survived it all still standing straight up on my pillar and continue to stride forward in life as I have yet to find its pause.

My own issues derive from an innate fantasy to actually live a life of normalcy. House, husband and children and undeniable love. These are things that I have only partially experienced and the love part was completely one-sided and entirely out of the question. So as I sit here and muse over the soothing sounds of German traffic and view the pastels of history in front of me is it to wonder what I am doing here? Is there a grander mission than this I should be exposed to. Is that which I so desire right within reasonable distance and I struggle to achieve its grasp? These are things that I don't understand. So I continue to be lead by heart and hand through my time here; girl bonded in friendship to navigate the sea of uncertainty once again however together as the sea is unprecdictable; it does. As it will.

Day One

We could not cut through the delectable conversation if our lives were at stake. Julia and I were one again. Discussing life, monies and relationships. Both of us happen to be at odds with the opposite sex and mutually frustrated with the opportunities that present themselves therefore we are not going to discuss that for the duration. The sun is shining and the energy in this city of bicycles is a force to be reckoned with. I rode around on a bike yesterday with a dog in the basket and cannot remember the last time I ever did such. Yesterday we went to Sausalitos and drank Margaritas in the sunshine and dug our feet into the glistening sands below. We enjoyed doner sandvich and had some tea and Aperol at La Chicerrita. If there is one place in the world I would highly consider my home away from home it would most certainly be Munchen!

Today we are off to the countryside to choose a hotel for the weekend' Waldfest and do some outdoor fun "alpine slide" adventures. We decided against traveling to Turkey and visiting Bodrum with Armagan. Instead we will travel to Venice which is the romance capital of the world. Its also the cuisine capital of the world. Real Italian food that will not subject my stomach to unforseen circumstance...PROST!

More to come in due time.

Lay Still Til' I'm Ready To Fight

There are the hours before flight. When you have time on your hands to get lost in your thoughts. There is no quiet of calm.  Just clicking of machines. The time passes as if the walls are caving in on you.  The tunnel to our destination is always long and narrow.  No final result is ever close or easy to arrive.  So as you sit and ponder on your own mental island there is a sense of emotions bubbling up.  What are the right things for me to be doing at this time in my life? Who is the right person for me?  Will I ever marry again?  Do I already know who is right for me and are they just under my nose within a waft?  And is my terminal delay a result of my own demise?  No one can be sure.

My life has always felt like a perpetual waiting game.  All of my deepest desires are always less than one mile away.  But it feels as if this mile is the longest of my life.  I run forever but its like as if I am a rag doll with needles sticking in.  As I make my sprint the walls around me are caving in  and I'm traveling a gangplank of possibilities.  Its short and my legs are long.  If I take brief strides will I have more of a chance of a rescue?  There is no one here but I to make these decisions.  I feel support from behind but is it within my reach?  Perhaps the person to save me has all of the faculties to do just that.  Perhaps this person's innate talent for rescuing people is just what I need to make the destination.  Perhaps the destination is one that I do not have to make on my own but rather one that we can trek together as our talents could potentially run parallel.  

My desires aside there are rules to knowing whether or not it is safe to say its okay to know what the right decision is for oneself.  I know that I have known mine for 1.6 years.  So continue my travels in the right direction; this time open minded and most patient.  I know that this typical scenario is atypical.  Then again I never resolved myself to be within status quo.  However if the shades; whether true or false, intellect and roots are all at the foundation of what can arise then I know the uniting of souls can be strong and solid.  Innate.

It Hurt So Bad....Just Like I Knew That It Would

So I suppose its safe to regard that I am not the only one that suffers in this world of dreams and reverie.  Everyone wants to feel the stars explode around them.  Staying awake at night is rather hard on the emotions; as this is the time that they tend to take shape never pleasing.  After a night of social filibuster with some of my greatest friends a glimmer of conversation resonated true;  new. New is what I desire.  New is going to get me where I need to be. Harboring the old and outdated is going to leave me wedged in a world of broken dreams; I need something new.  So while I ponder the past, things I did wrong, things others did wrong to me I made the executive decision that my time away from this life I lead will be spent on reflection, and contemplation about starting anew upon my return.  No longer can I continue to tolerate the unacceptable because I was brought into this world for a very special purpose and when each moment lacks that feeling I am only filching from my destiny.

The one thing I can hardly desire to change is the strength and support of the amazing friends I surround myself in. They are flawless and strong.  Subtle and awesome.  One in particular whom I know will partake in my overseas survival.  

I understand completely that I am one of the most fortunate. I have the ability to leave the world for awhile and take a look at it from the outside. Typically I dissect what the insides have to offer. I believe firmly that this time around I will not take too much time analyzing it rather boldly move the chess pieces around to where I so choose and make my moves.  This is a world of dreams and reverie. Everyone wants to feel the stars explode around them; I too will have that pleasure.....very soon.

Don't Call Me EMO!

I do not want to hear one more bleeding bit of sorrow. I am not sad. I am stark raving mad. And you want to know what? Its fine. You have your pathetic personality about you as do I.   Its acceptable for every lot to have one angry gruff of a girl and I am the one. And would you like to know what? I accept myself as such. I hear others whining and portraying the persona of the wounded soldier. Let's step up people. This is not Iraq; no one shot you.  Stand up.  So listen up because this one is going to be an incendiary one.  One that derives straight from this angry heart.  I'm hurt. It stings and we are not talking your ordinary Neosporin cut. We are talking heart wrenching gash to the shin after a nasty afternoon on the ten speed, I need stitches and have to sit five hours in the ER to deal with it kind of hurt.  And yes its the hurt that lives inside.  The kind of hurt that makes you listen to Riot Guurl music.  And it all happened so fast.  It all went black.

I was perfectly fine in my own private Idaho.  Living within my bubble of denial was a happy and safe existence.  Once the bubble burst and I went out on the scene to start dating... I never expected the minstrel show turned on its deaf fucking ear.  Trying to slowly remember just what happened was the anomaly in itself. It went as such.  I tried for a time to ignore a man who I thought was pathetic and beneath. I did my best work to ignore all signs of his matter on this planet.  I avoided certain streets within this God forsaken city of taxes and loose "r" dropping accents. I did my best to stay away. Family functions and visits to certain shopping boutiques were chided and redirected to alternative zones of safety.  But it was all too soon that on a weekend night at 2am a text message reopened the can of worms which I should have discarded a long time ago. So my can of worms and I did what we wanted to do rather than do what we felt was best.  We took the metal bits in the can and were drawn magnetically to the field of danger. We allowed a reenter to the world and digested its spoils.  Dinner, drinks, social events when you stare at each other from across the room longingly.  He wanted to be my lover. And I slightly allowed the notion to toy in my head that this could actually be a possibility.  I scratched at the itch and all I got was a rash of shit.

None too soon after the shine wore off I started to discover that the reasons why I walked away from this person from the very start were the same reasons that on this particular evening I have decided to take another walk in the opposite direction.  Immaturity, lack of compassion and an overall disdain for any sense of normalcy. And so its done. And here I stand bleeding from every hole in my heart.  Alone again.  Another faulty step in the wrong direction. Classic.

  The promise of love brings back the old gun.  Might as well draw and fire. The relationship is dead. And I fell down hard to my knees.  And it hurts; so if I complain for a little its because I might just be a little fragile at the moment.  But don't you dare call me EMO for what I have become. There is a heart turning to a dull beat.

A Sea Of.......

Most people take to the high seas to bask in its marine glory. I take to a different kind of sea. The sea which offers a symphony of words as it ebbs and flows against the wake.  A long time ago there were two; a boy and a girl.  And this pair were in harmony for a flicker of time.  For all the wrong reasons they could not make it work and in an elicit division maintained a mutual distaste that was evident but fading.  The bitter torrent of disgust had eroded over time to appear rather as a washed out cavern where feelings used to be housed. This change of emotions was worthwhile for both parties as it gave them the space and time that they needed to figure out just what they needed to continue in their path of living.  A certain spirit of their encounter was not lost and was attempted as a rekindle over what appeared to be someone that looked like they had seen a ghost.  Streetlights flickered and it was as if no one in the room had mattered at all.  A feeling of mutual admiration and loathing was centrifugal in the atmosphere and the two knew that at this point something would need to be discussed.  

Outside the night air was thick with emotion.  It was as if words had no meaning and emotions were conjoined again.  Standing under the bar light while the music swirls about forgetting oneself for awhile; a black dress and a trend later a kiss was shared.  It had appeared as if the room was spinning, the smell of perfume was sweet and there was a change in emotions.  Memories came rushing back like fuel waves and two perfect people were entwined.  Nights like these are but a myth.  Understanding typically unattained but between the both it was inherent.  Upon daybreak passing the memories, the emotions and the glimmer of possibility the idea of future were bleak and faded like its cavernous predecessor. All was returned to its natural state of being as all along it was better to have left the earth unshaken and let forces of nature be in control of one's fate. 

Don't Hunt...Farm.

After incessantly ranting and raving over a plate of hot food at their favorite restaurant two friends had both come to the same conclusion. They had non-existent love lives.   The scenario was the same as most; the quality of men that they were meeting we meager.  Dissatisfied with their current situation and assuming it would be best to get out on the dance floor and lasso in the next suitor the girls pondered their fate.  Who would they date? It was tedious and slightly depressing not having a companion.  They had each other but why not a man.  So once dinner concluded I was brought into the conversation.  As a recently free agent myself I gave the best advice I could muster up.  

Its not about getting out there to find the next contender. Rather, its about improving quality of life.  Its about taking the time to find out what you want out of life and what kind of man would be suitable. Then lock away your ideal and stop looking for him.  One time as passed and realize there is no need for the hunt whatsoever you will be fully blindsided because the man you want will automatically be drawn to you. Now I am not suggesting that the exact next one you encounter will be the one. I never speak with such haste rather the next one that finds you and you feel strongly towards will want to fulfill all of your expectations because there is an actual connection and he will feel the vibes that you are sending off. 

You simply cannot expect to go out on the hunt for men as if they were bounty. Its like carrying a shotgun into the safari expecting to witness a variety. You will scare away all the scenery and will not have a beautiful experience rather a cold, dead and eventually rotten carcass which does nothing to satisfy your long term needs.

Stop the hunt.  Discover your needs. Sent out your subtle but awesome vibes.  Enjoy the result.  As it consequently stands  both parties are now in healthy suitable relationships. :)

Age IS All About Numbers

When asked whether or not it matters when deciding on a proper suitor and age comes into question what might I suggest the proper age?  Often times women will select to date younger men without regard to the emblazoned number searing on their chest.  Almost always the end result is maddeningly depressed because there always exists a maturity distance between men and women and choosing to date one that is far inferior to your age for example 4 years your junior is a feat of strength.  Take for example the typical young male around the age of 25.  He looks like he just came directly out of the Matell box; hair neatly maintained, clothes sparkling; Yes he is the new Ken doll.  You often times find him to be the sports enthusiast and you quickly grab hold of his passion.  Attending sporting events, rooting for the home team and all that bullshit.  He is excited by your moral support when he plays couch commando. He also finds your zest refreshing as you engage in "flagrande" while picking up on the game highlights.  Look at you!  What have you become. Let's be honest ladies...if you did not meet this man because you share a mutual affection for a particular basketball or soccer team your relationship is doomed from the start. You can mold yourself into what you think is the best plausible result and how "sweet" and "fun" this man can possibly be but lets face the overall resultant blend; you will find that over time you will tire of his childish antics and unless you are willing to be a parent throughout the doomed relationship consider it a forfeit because you will lose.

Not Your Substitute Lover

Ladies, a revelation if you will.  Repeat performances unite to fulfill a conspiracy theory that only a man could cultivate.  Its all about the insensitive capabilities that the immature mind relies heavily upon in order to make what is believed to be solid decisions.  Rather we might suggest that instead of relying on the masculine decision making capabilities we tell the man; I'm not your substitute lover. I'm not here for when, where and how you need me.  I don't wait for you to come to fruition and if you cannot get on board with that notion then I'm inclined to kick your ass of the gang plank.  A panel of talented and highly successful women held caucus this afternoon and it was at this time they came to the same conclusion; men are not good enough for us. We are at the point in evolution where a man has lost all sense of morality and goes on his under-educated inhibitions and makes scarcely sensible decisions.

Here is story number one; the Beckon Call Girl. It involves a girl scorned many times. She has a chip on her shoulder and a heart like a sponge. She is sensitive and edgy.  She wants to be loved on the inside and upheld on the outs.  Girl meets boy; girl plays it cool and gives "man space."  The guy she meets turns out to loathe the space the girl offers suggesting as such until she goes against her better judgement offering a call here and a text there. At the exact moment that this occurs then man decides he will completely blow her off. Instead of communicating exactly what he wants in his utter entirety he stops calling. He stops emailing. He hits the ignore button on his ringing phones.  The minute she gives this man an ounce of attention she becomes a "psycho."  He notifies the pack of fellow heart breakers he socializes with; they concur and the potential is annihilated.   She is left with several a sequestering unanswered. She takes up residence in the advice of friends who think she is weak and simply needs to "get over it."  Meanwhile the guy realizes shortly after his bomb was dropped that he misses her.  So he calls her with some lame ass excuse about having a family problem, pimple on his ass...etc. All excuses are unfounded.  Alas, the girl makes a motion to give the love fool a second chance.  He does her another deal shortly after. The relationship is not the same after one post-disappointment break.  She still works at it hoping to regain momentum.  However at NASCAR when a car crashes in the wall and flips over ten times you are best to assume it will never run again at full speed. So she recounts in her head what SHE did wrong.  Until another man (once again highly unsuitable) comes along and she can basically hit the repeat cycle on the laundry because he's bound to do the same. Perhaps she needs a chip on both shoulders to balance things out.  This way she can use those chips as weapons of mass destruction where need be.

Story Number 2. The Fly By Night Texting Bitch. This girl is my favorite because she has the guts to do just want I never stand to maintain; composure.  She has the innate ability to never return a male's phone call. She will only text. She breeds the culture of minimal communication. This tragic flaw however gets her into trouble every time because she expects by playing it cool with the guys by never calling them that it makes her more desirable.  However absence does not make the heart grow fonder and its not uncommon that when a guy does not hear the sexy and soothing sound of your voice (because the female voice causes the erotic nose-brain hairs stand on edge).  So most often than not in every interaction with a man she ends up losing their chemical romance. Tragic because she is actually doing what she believes to be a favor to the gentlemen but ends up driving their interests elsewhere. Typically to the local cheap slut sports bar.

Story Number 3.  The English Patience. Great at communication this girl is what every man wants. She is politely direct. She is fun, she likes sports and is often referred to as the "sweet" girl.  I'm not quite sure if I would enjoy this label alas, there she is. She makes direct telephone and Internet contact. She loathes texting because its constantly misconstrued and she does not want to misread any signs.  She does just what every man wants her to do; she can totally sit at a bar and watch football without interrupting and plays or 1st downs and grunts and groans equally at fumbles and incomplete.  One would surmise to tell that this girl is the big winner. She has the patience of a saint with a guy. Even when he disappears on date night and never returns phone calls. She sits by the phone staring at it lovingly; it never rings by anyone other than nasty ex-boyfriends and she finds this unfortunate. All to willing to give 100% of herself she only comes to find out later that the guy she likes has a girlfriend and that she was just something on the side.  Being so spineless she actually feels bad for the girlfriend and does not want to hold it against the guy because he is only human; she has the patience of a saint.  

Story Number 4.  The Healthy Enabler.  We all want to be this girl. She is beautiful and incredibly confident on the outside. Internally this girl is struggling to maintain her identity because she feels like she can never be herself because the guys that she dates are numb. They have little or no feeling for her, never get to know her and want little more than to use her as arm candy. She allows this with any man in sight not out of friendliness rather because she wants to feel like the most beautiful girl in the room. Its sad really because she is effortlessly beautiful and has no idea because she allows men to make her think she is something less than perfect.  She is a healthy girl but enables bad behavior.

These are just a few of the examples. See the qualities these women embody because they are talented, successful and strong women. Their resumes are exhaustive.  They don't need a man to make them feel special because they are in their own right. Its just tragic  men; we support you, are patient with you, give you space and enable you like children.  

My advice; get your boots on girls because we are about to go waist deep.  Flip those tables over and learn from the behaviors of men. You don't need to wait around for a man to decide that he wants you when, where, how etc.  Its not worth it. You get what you want or you get out. You are not a substitute lover. You are love; simple and poetic so make sure to not give your heart away to the wrong boy anymore rather offer these words of advice "I'm through with you."

A Little Lull

As yet another birthday beckons, I ponder.  Over the past 28 years of my life many experiences I have had and as this number 29 is on the cusp I wax poetic as to just what I have accomplished on my life's list.  While it is an exceptionally long list many items are now complete.  In my body exists a gaping hole; a garish gash which belongs to my heart.  I often wonder why this hole exists and while I bear it if anyone happens to notice.  Most people bear their crosses; I too have my own but through it all and again its been quite a labyrinth I still manage to navigate it all.  I suppose its due to the fact that the most tragic piece of my life has already made its way through my path and its haunting.  Another year passes in my life and I still have no idea why its such a strong feeling knowing that yet again another birthday passes and all I really care about is the fact that my mother is not here.  Candles on the cake are lit and then extinguished however the memories still burn bright as the delectable confection below is enjoyed and the clock continues to navigate a sea of experience without a guardian angel by my side.  This year will prove to be another enduring one. Many weeks of travel, learning and reminiscing on past experiences while cataloguing new ones with friends and family along for the journey.  If one was to make resolve to change things in their new year of life it would be to find a stronger version of myself leaving behind a past of insecurities and doubt.  I will shed the sheath of over analysis and be patient with myself.  I look forward to the new horizons in the distance. I know that even without the strength of my mother that I can endure anything after losing her.  So here's to another year past and may I find the power to continue to tread the thicket of my future existence.

The Earth's Crust Has Many Cracks

At what point in the night did things go wrong is any one's guess. I suppose things went terribly wrong when I ordered a sandwich. Naturally, its like poison to my system but bearing in mind I was feeling a bit rebellious and was going to do exactly what I wanted to do at the exact moment my heart desired therefore I was with sandwich in tow.  Not to mention that this establishment was seriously not of my own desires.  Alas, here we work rocking it out for the greater good at a dingy Irish bar sucking back flat beer and greasy sandwiches when we were feeling a bit over-observed by a strange Asian man.  Standing at a tape-measured distance of less than three feet this particular strange Asian man lingered at the nape of her neck.  I immediately noticed is blatant disrespect for personal space nonetheless was encouraged to keep quiet and that was exactly what I decided to do.  For five minutes this went on.  Even the waitstaff noticed his terribly bizarre behavior. I was just pleased that my back was against the wall. And yes this is something I tend to do frequently.  So here he was standing so close to us and staring like a fat kid in a pastry shop.  I was quite tempted to give him a dead arm because it seemed ironic at the time but instead I acted like a lady that I am from time to time.  After about 20 minutes a friend of the strange Asian man arrived and to my comic relief what this man uttered was without prediction.  And it was as such,  "hey man thank God you made it. I had nothing to do than stare at the crack of this girl's ass for the past 10 minutes."  Now this was a statement that I heard but present company would be terribly insulted, insecure and would make for a nasty continuance of the night.  I cannot make this up.  Apparently her low rise jeans were a little lower giving way to a lucid amount of staring.  As we left the pub my friend made a quick trip to the loo....it was at that time that I provided the crack addict a quarter for the next time he wants to make a call.  It was my first Asian.

The Kids Don't Stand A Chance

I cannot quite pinpoint the exact date that I finally came to grips with the knowledge that I was a geek but there have been countless suggestions. I am here in my geek-dom a self-exposed realized geek.  I assume its not such a bad pocked to be shoved into nonetheless here I am...... At this unusual time of morning 2:20am I am writing a blog. Whilst most are amidst the throws of passion, the throws of after-party, the throws of dinner or the possible throwing-up I sit and pour rubbish onto typeset for the benefit of the greater good.  If it wasn't for the coaxing of some Vampire Weekend I fear this blog would be as dry as the toast that one orders at a 2am breakfast spot.  I digress. So when does one decide they are a geek and then how does one arrange an acceptable lifestyle amongst the non-geek earth dwelling inhabitants?  First and foremost I realized my inner geek when I was asked a simple question at a bar?  So what is it that you do for a living.  I wanted to say to this person so many great things such as; I invented post-its, I am a professional spelunker etc.  None of the viable options appeared to be believable so I parted my lips to utter just what it was that I do.  Before I can form a solid sentence the co-conversational inhabitant boasted that I must be in finance because I looked the type.  I immediately question just what it was that makes me appear to be a finance person as I stand there in my ever so chic dress and knee high boots?  What was it that made me a finance person as I stand amongst the masses oozing Stella McCartney perfume?  So I asked the proverbial question to my own chagrin he stated I looked like a geek!

Do I really was my first internal question? Not exactly.  I'm a normal girl.  And before I can speak further he diverts his attention to my equally beautiful counterpart.  I stood in a short state of shock thinking about how I might be a geek yet again.  None of my friends are geeks with the exception of my beloved geek watch girl but she is only geeky because of the watch...otherwise she is fantastic.  My father and mother were not geeks, they were rather hip yuppies in their heyday.  My mother even made a stint at Studio 54 back in the day.  So there I was in my internal conversation....scared to death that others might recognize my geek-ness and want nothing to do with me. Perhaps I should leave the bar and go home and google the word "geek" so I could assume responsibility and then act accordingly.  As I headed towards the loo to analyse myself better in a mirror and to check if the potential tears that might be streaming down my face as this conversation transpired I noticed the labeling jerk that referred to me in such a perplexing manner was pointing and laughing. As were two of his friends.  Had I a note posted on my back just like the horrendous middle school years?  I felt the top of my back and it felt relatively void of any signs.  Then I noticed that my dear friend was also laughing. Perhaps I tucked my dress into my pantyhose? Not that it has ever happened before (ok maybe once or twice).  That was a negative as I would most certainly felt the breeze.  So just what was it. I demanded to know.  I walked back to the crowd of hecklers and received my comical answer.

The men that were invading our clique were doing an experiment to see if a woman would be insulted by childhood insults and for what reason I have no idea other than my possible assumption that they might be dipping a little too low in their Sailor Jerry bottles?  Nonetheless I did what every girl that gets punked does.  I took the drink closest to my left hand and dumped it clean over the head of this geek and called him just as such.

If I'm a geek then its certainly chic!

Are You Mine?

Its never certain whether or not you can take the plunge and thumbtack a guy as your own.  After spending the evening watching "He's Just Not That Into You" I firmly suggest you get your ass to the theater and learn a lesson.  This movie was spot on with translation the inner-workings of a man's brain. And trust me we all need this feature more readily available to us. I myself often times struggle to interpret just what the opposite sex is throwing my way.  My recent transition period has left me in the tidal wave of interaction.  To be honest its really premature and very foreign. My typical understanding of when a guy behaves a certain way that is unfamiliar is to ignore the lifeblood out of him, delete his number, ignore his texts, emails etc and hope to God he assumes you dead.  Lately and now more so because it matters I find myself utilizing these tactics because I am insecure as to what I see. I am not sure if the color is orange or blue.....I am seeing things.

So here is the story.  We have a man who peaks our interest.  He does the dog and pony show; dinner, drinks, movie etc.  You don't like him at all and then he starts to call you almost hourly to see "what are you up to?"  The simple answer to this question could be contrived to be "not much since 5 minutes ago my darling.." but you kindly play into it because you put yourself in his shoes and would not like rejection .  However at the end of the day you look at your mobile call log and you realize that you took 2 of his calls, missed 3 and have 9 ignores.  What does this man want from you that is so detrimental to your iPhone battery?  Really?  I mean he had you for several dates and its pretty obvious that he is on the winning track and the BOOM he becomes the police calling every time you go outside your house arrest boundaries.  

When you finally start to notice the hairs on the floor in your bathroom you are losing at a jackrabbit's pace and come to understand that the reason why this is all happening is because this man is literally and figuratively stalking you.  Where is the fine line between the affection that you desire and the desire for a restraining order. I mean don't get me wrong this has yet to happen to me.....I am sincerely convinced this is all due to the fact that I tend to intimidate all men, nonetheless this is something that happens and its a concern.  So back to the hair on the floor and the dead battery you wonder just what its going to take before you have to put your foot down?  

So you give the guy a call for the first time in your life...ring...ring...ring.  No answer. The bastard who calls you all day long did not answer the phone.  Do you leave a message? No way. So you made the call with the utmost certainty that when he gets a hold of the phone wherever it might be (where might it be) he will call you straight away.  But he doesn't.....and for the whole entire day you are "WTFfing" this guy.  He called the crap out of you and now that you want to get a hold of him NADA!  A day goes by, two, four, six days 45 minutes and 3 seconds......NO CALLS!  Where the hell, what the hell, who the hell is this guy doing? He was all in your business less than a week ago and the minute you call this character he cannot have the decency to return your phone calls?  Why? What went wrong? Things were so great. He took me to dinner. He bought me drinks. He took me to the movies. Things were so great. Things were great, right?  Is it because he does not think he is good enough for me? Am I not good enough for him?  STOP! 

What has happened to you? You have become a hot mess.  You miss him?  The guy that called you 90+ times a day.  He annoyed the crap out of you....you could not get away from him fast enough and now he is being really mean? Why? BECAUSE HE IS NOT INTO YOU!  And here you were thinking the guy was your personal puppet. You took and took from him and then he was gone the minute you wanted to reciprocate (which let's be honest that is not what you had in mind but whatever. A complete 180 later the guy is not into you and there is no way he belongs to you.  See the minute you give a man a skoach of attention he takes off like a migratory bird in the winter. And you are left wondering what you did wrong when there is a key factor right in front of you. .......want to guess just what it was? You never liked him.  Not even a bit. You took pity on him. You were calling him to ask him to be less over-bearing and then he flipped a switch.

Conclusion. Men have the attention span of staple removers. They are on you for second and then the move right on to the next task.  Its not you its their genetic makeup that causes them to behave this way. And trust me they all do the same things the same way. The only thing that changes are the clothes and the cologne.  You do not want this man as your own. Don't forget that..  Its not you girl its him.  Don't let that bullshit game get in your head.   5 weeks from now 

when he remembers how great you were and calls you; you can hit the ignore button on your phone as you are cozying up in the arms of the dude you actually wanted to be with...he's a Celts fan anyway....old guy was down with the 76'ers....yuck!

I've Lost The Chip On My Shoulder

I refer to sex as man sex nowadays because woman sex is different.  Woman sex is sex that is actually decent and man sex is just that; performed unsightly by a man. Sex should always make a woman scream. When we are loud gentlemen that typically means that we enjoy it and for the most obvious reasons we really want you to know that we like it so that you take mental notes as to just what it is that you managed to pull off and hope to all the stars in the sky you remember so going forward its on par or above at the very least. We have set the bar and this is the height you must reach to ride this amusement.

As a single girl there are many different types of sex that you can have. But when its the type of sex that you have where you let your hair down, lost the chip on your shoulder,  grow older with every moment of its happening and feel fulfilled you retain that memory. Its potent; it maintains beauty and mystique. You never forget the person who made you feel this way. Whether it was someone of a long term situation or just perhaps a significant rendezvous there is no doubt that you know who they are. You can remember every sensuous moment and those memories last a lifetime.  As a woman you muse "how did I get here; how do I move forward from its moment. Is life over...or is this just a rebirth?"   As I stand here the world my stage I wonder is it time for me; a sexual baptism?

Valentine's Day Massacre

There are those of us who thoroughly enjoy the Valentine's Day holiday and there are those of use who loathe it. And I being a lover of the date was all too happy to enjoy the fruits of its labor and fully intended to dress up and have a great night with some friends. Barely knowing what the night had in store for me I started my day with a morning pilates session followed by an afternoon relaxing massage. Once it was time I made my self up and headed over to a friends for a lovely evening....or so it seemed. Once there I immediately realized the cosmos were not in our favor as her son was not well and was purging precipitously down her clothing thrice. In a sea of regurgitation we attempted to keep the positive mentality going but it was not soon later that I too was fallen ill. In a twist of fate was rushing home for what felt like my last waking breath. It was not soon later that I was making parental phone calls and begging for assistance as I spent the night on the cold and damp floor of my rest. Not less than several hours later I recall being hooked to several tubes in an urgent care facility with an insurmountable pain which come to find out was a frightful swelling of internal organs.

Without the right attention could have been severely detrimental to my fate. And spending the time taking care of myself was most important. While I lied on the cold gurney I felt scared and alone for the first time in my life. I being the person who always encouraged those around me that going it alone was the most successful way of dealing with reality was at an emotional cross roads. It was not soon after that I realized I was not the only one who was ill rather several others were suffering from that party in the same situation. Now we are all sealed to the same miserable fate of gatoraid and popsicles (avoiding the reds and oranges) and liquids including the treacherous chicken broth and other mundane fluids. Why at this juncture in my day do I so desire something so simple as a grilled cheese sandwich?

As I lie in bed waxing my fate for a labor day ahead I prey that I will recover and that the souls infected with the same tragic lethargy are cured most quickly. I would not wish this on my worst.

Feel The Rush

So we all thoroughly enjoyed the bit of warmer weather experienced over the past weekend. I know that I was totally excited to get outside and hit the trails. It was invigorating really. While I was enjoying the white powder of Vermont I think about a man I recently encountered which reminded me of a different kind of white powder.....because he must have been on crack.

Two weekends past I went for a girls night. And we had quite a night traipsing from venue to venue with no regard for anyone other than the impending company. Until, CRAZY FROG lept out from the rock under which he came from seeing me as little more than a tasty meal fly. I was scared. As I sat on my stool aka observation perch this man took it upon himself to slide my way in the hopes for GOD only knows what. So there I was enjoying my 5th drink of the day. I was definitely feeling no pain but senses were on high alert...you can't make this shit up.....because it went just like this.

"Hi, my name is Mike and I've been noticing you stare at me all night long so I thought I would take a moment to come by and tell you how beautiful you are. I want to tell you a little bit about myself. I am a school teacher in the Providence School Department. I have two children and I am recently living with my parents until I get back on my feet. But you are really beautiful can I get your number? What is your name again?"

Can we see the obvious blunder here. First of all you need to visualize the fact that while this man was way to close into my personal space he spit all over my face as he carefully attempted to mask his blatant lisp. They must call him Mr. Raincoat at school. He immediately gave me the family and career role call unannounced to me. He was so concerned about divulging his personal business that he never managed to ask me my name. And let's be direct here; I was not staring at him.....I don't stare and I would have only looked in his direction as a result of his stark similarity to ET. So what was I to do.........KILL HIM DEAD.....and it went like this........

"Hi I'm Alissa as you so rudely forgot to ask. I am a Bank Manager at a large European firm. I have no children, I own my own home. I am firmly planted on my own two feet. Now if you will please excuse me I have to go Purell my face....you spit all over it......Mark."

And his reply went as such.

"Ok that's cool. Go clean up. When you get back I want your number."

Again, you can't make this shit up..........so I go to the loo with the hope the earth will open and swallow this man whole so that I never have to see him ever again. So just as I leave the loo I see this man staking me out. Do I go back into the crowd or do I skulk through the dance floor and out the front door. Skulking is always fun....lets do that.

So I make my way towards the door hoping to not trip over my own feet when I am face to face with "Mike" again. And here we go.........

"So Alisha.....did you think about giving me your number. We would look so great together....you are really pretty...you will like my children. You look like you would be good with kids."

And I really did not know what to do next.....so I just started to scream at the top of my lungs "GOOOOOOO AWAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

And he was like "WHYYYY??????"

And I had to "YOU HAVE HERPES!"

And it was at that point I realized; I know too many people in this state. Monday morning someone in my building asked me why I yelled "herpes" in the bar.

I want to shoot myself. I'm never drinking again. Stupid crack head!

Sweet Miss Blue

How do you do? Sorry, I know its late. Sorry, but I can't wait............

I am truly delayed in my submissions for best of reasons however I will tell you that my attempts of getting the time to write are marginal at best. And for all those luscious lovers out there I do not think it would be fair and equitable if I did not spend a bit of time shredding the holiday which those loathe so ardently. Alas, those sentiments will be bereft in my musings....I love all things red. Valentine's Day is not about chocolate (as I live and breathe at the gym), its not about flowers (especially roses which exude the funeral home death knell) rather its about the color red. And to commemorate the festive occasion of holiday card drivel and poorly prepared meals, wrapping paper covered in conversation hearts, dinner reservations, false attempts at affection etc I prefer the red. Red is the color of blood. Its the color of wine and its the color of my shoe bottoms (hint hint wink wink nod it you love CL) and I fully intend to dress to the nines in my favorite hue and enjoy the fact that its acceptable to blast off into a rouge orbit without regard. The best part is when people become visually offended by the lucid co mingling of shades as ominously as possible with the ultimate goal of kitsch. I love Valentine's Day. While my ass has successfully steered clear of any arrows (as its too tight and firm to wield such an object) I still hold the day in highest regard.

So this Valentine's Day you are mostly likely to spot me at the Whole Foods @ U.Heights strutting down the aisles, making frivolous purchases of truffle butter and fig spread for no apparent reason drenched in the plethora of crimson thoroughly ignoring the lingering lovers perplexed as to whether or not to make Tempeh or Tofu while my palate intends making sweet love to my jar of Nutella and French Baguette bed feast....at my own expense. Don't be jealous; of my accompanying Chateau LeFit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ahahahah. Happy V-Day Everyone!

What Has It Become

This week has been so good and yet so terrible. I sit here listening to tunes with a happy and gritty tone. With health issues surfacing throughout the family I feel like I cannot get a grip as to where I need to be and whom I need to support. Additionally I find myself being a incessantly terrible friend. While I know that my family is the number one priority I know that missing out on key moments in life are important to molding my world's sphere.

My week that has now come to a slow roll was culminated to hospital visits, sad dinners with the past and new encounters with people that rip the security blanket directly from my white knuckles. Words are tough to secure. Colors cannot describe.

I am not sure which way to go next for I fear that the word spoken less than perfectly can be absolutely detrimental to future encounters. So I zipper its seams, tie its loose ends and carry its contents in my pocket.....hoping that it will not tear the lining.

I feel terribly overjoyed and mightily confused at the same time. Almost like the Indian cuisine which I am about to enjoy......carefully.

Where are we now?

Slow Handed Lover

Those that say that sex is an insignificant portion of a relationship have not met Mimi. Sweet endearing Mimi would beg to differ. To her intimacy is an integral part of a relationship. As I sit in this terribly uncomfortable chair thinking about my own pathetic and dull encounters listening to Jazz complements of Temple University I can't help but ponder if....then when?

I have so many accomplices I tool around with and they all suffer from the same anxiety. When the hell should you bed a man? To be perfectly honest there is no definitive answer to the question. Because let's face it....sex and all the accouterments that accompany it are terribly important to a relationship's longevity. Its nothing to do with the female rather the male interpretation of events. See a woman can easily jump right in and get what they want no angle. We need and want to be with our "friend" post haste. However its not entirely certain when the timing is right because we have too many thoughts and emotions hovering about our gilded little halos. Typically the number one concern is whether or not the person we decide to fornicate with is in-fact going to provide repeat business? I would not deny that the feelings are almost immediate with a guy that you are into. There is no question that from day one we are prepared; proper lingerie, all areas free from fuzz and any pheromone we can exude working overtime. We use hand signals, visual aids if need be to get the job done. But then what we are left with is often times puzzling. Like after you do the freak nasty with this guy is he going to call you again? One date, ten dates you can never be sure when the timing is right. Therefore it almost becomes a touch and go situation. And you simply must be stealth at reading the signals.

1)Is he sitting close to you, making every valiant attempt to touch you, place his arm around, feel the back of your hand against his and showering you with gentle kisses and even the possible PDA?

2)Or is he giving you the nonchalant looks of a hungry man about to murder an innocent doe in the forest with little more than a rusty arrow and shoddy bow?

Question? Are you just standing there frozen at the thought of which way the night is going or are you feeling the usual temperature/moisture increase in all the right places? TMI? Perhaps but for effect it will be necessary to diagnose the situation with as many details as possible.

Either option one or two are the typical scenarios. They may not entirely play out as directly as I have explained however in essence of time and the fact that the kind of girl that reads this knows just what I am talking about its important to understand you can get yourself into a pickle or out of one with simple recognition.

So better to wait until you see scenario 1 before jumping the fence' I concur! Ladies take notes....you do not want to miss this one.

Is it better to be a slow handed lover than a jackrabbit? Absolutely as you well know the turtle took his time and did it right and wins the race EVERY TIME. Not to mention that slow and steady always pays off for us....you can say~

If This Doesn't Make You Quake? Stupid Men Again!

Honestly Ladies,

When are you going to take the Cool Kid's advice and stop being so damn emotional? Its a travesty really that we have to deal with the underlings referred so sweetly as men however its just time to check. Yes, check your emotions at the door Ladies. Over and over and over again like a monkey with a miniature symbol (stolen entirely from Hot Chip) I listen to the same stories full of woe where an underling gives the gigande blow-off and instead of taking it on the chin you get all wrapped up in what you did wrong and the possibilities of where he might be up to including hospitals checking for his presence. NOT COOL! If he was meant to be hospitalized that night gosh forbid its fate playing its natural role and protecting you from an otherwise miserable rendezvous. If it decides not to play a natural role then its not time to allow depression and sadness to frisk your pockets and rob you of any joy hidden in your pockets! Rather get a soy latte, curl up with a novel, fill a hot bath (which is a total waste of upwards of 70 gallons + of water by the way so perhaps a quick hot shower would be most ardent?) and turn off your mobile. Its really not necessary to ponder the whereabouts of whats-his-face! Who cares? If you really think deeply about it...why the hell would you ever want to spend time getting to know this goober when he blew you off? If a new girl ditched you for a shopping trip and simply did not call you that morning to firm up plans whilst you stand in the outlets with a scowl on your face you hate the hell out of her and do not sit around waiting for an explanation. Rather you haul ass to BCBG and buy yourself an overpriced belt perhaps a last season Coach bag (gross). You do not dwell. You give the phone a jingle and if she does not answer there is no shame behind moving on. So why instead of sitting around a giant box of Godiva truffles with your puppy dog face on with your iPhone glued to your ass don't you forget the tosser! I know it seems easy to talk about on the surface and I tend to be an angry bitch so why would you take my advice??? Simply because I am always spot on about these things. Trust me if he did not call he did not want to hang out with you/could not afford to/wife would not give him the night off to gallivant/no gas in the car etc.....the last thing on his peanut shaped minuscule brain was you. Especially when he tells you he and the girlfriend are broken up but the still live together (he on the bottom and she on the top floors which is a complete and total sexual innuendo if you picked up on it). BULLSHITE!!!!!!!!So take the dress back to Nordstrom, stow the knee high boots in the closet for another day and pour yourself a St. Germain cocktail (like the one I am sipping on right now), because lets face it Elderflower liquor from the Alps (all marvelous things happen to come from the Alps), Champagne(dry dry dry is the key) and a splash of soda tastes so much better than the lousy kiss of stale beer and binaca. YUCK!

Already In The Air

There is a storm on the way. Its a new year and so the expectations are paramount to make changes, reform policies and transform the overall mindset of things past and future carry-out of plans. Isn't it exciting to think of the possibilities? Not exactly when I expressed my own sentiment to the segment of interactions. Most had a bad taste in their mouths for ruined beginnings. Perhaps you slept through your morning alarm on Jan one and missed the early morning spin class? Perhaps you even went so far like I and ended a 10 year friendship because it was the best way to start the new year? All is not lost. There are many ways that you can reform your wicked ways. And lets think about it shall we? If you slept through your morning alarm you can still go to the gym later in the day. And if you equalized your friendship with your 10 year best friend perhaps you are cleansing your life by weeding out all the bad influences. All is not lost. Come rock with me here for a moment if you will? Perhaps this year is the year of the endless sky of opportunities to do things you never thought possible? So here are my new year suggestions.

1) Throw out all of your bed linens and buy new ones. Perhaps you will welcome someone new and worthy into your bed and if you are betrothed then perhaps the new sheets will spark some new activities.

2) Go on a diet and lose about 10 pounds.....it will change your life and your confidence....and if you are already in shape keep up the good work, tone those arms....get cut.

3) Spend less time in the bar and more time in church....its about time you get some God in your life.

4) Invest in the people you might have previously overlooked. I have someone in mind that I waived the prior year that can improve my life...be a little selfish...you owe it to yourself.

5) Get busy. Have more sex....its good for you.

6) Let a guy buy you a drink in bar even if he is not cute. Then talk to him....looks are not everything you know...and he could be super cool,

7) This is stolen; throw out all of your earrings you do not like... Get over them and buy new ones.

8) Save a little money. Its not a bad idea to prepare yourself. Smart girls always have a backup plan!

9)Spend more time with nature. Go to Newport in the bitter cold. Spend sometime walking the beautiful Westerly beaches.....it will cleanse your soul.

10) Stop drinking out of plastic bottles. Stop buying cases of water...instead get a $20 PUR water filter and a $17 SIGG water jug and fill er up! Saves you big bucks and who wants to drink water from upstate NY anyway....Mineral Spring people....Mineral Spring!!!!!!!!!!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Do what you need to do to make it right. 2009 is yours and mine!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'M DONE......

Wow, I have never had a New Year like this. It started off with a ton of snow.....we managed to get to Boston after passing several rollover accidents and wind gusts all about. We checked into the hotel and were quite excited to get the party started and what a night it would be. Just a hot minute later from our arrival we were whisking away to a party in Jamaica Plain.....it was a short second we stayed and we headed to the Gypsy Bar where we were treated to long lines even after spending a king's ransom for the tickets just days before. Once inside we managed to mix and mingle with the crowd and have a rocking good time. The clock struck midnight and we were as thick and thieves. Drinks in hand, festive tiaras adorned our heads and no issues in sight. After the night ended we attempted in a very stealth manner to get a taxi which we had several failed attempts. Once inside the cab one of our guests decided she was no longer going the be nice to anyone. She started by mouthing off to her significant other and then to the group in general. Once inside the room the behavior continued to ensue. It was within seconds that violence ensued. The crack of one hand against the tender skin of her partner in the face was all that it took for me to take action. I insisted the violence end. What happened next was completely unexpected.
This unsavory individual took it upon herself the react towards me getting into her business by violently lunging towards me and literally pulled the hair direct from my scalp. Bleeding from the scalp I pushed my opposition forward and she continued to get into my space. I retreated not before she violently tugged to towards the floor. I again retreated back and insisted her significant other restrain her. It continued with a few more moments of words before the authorities intervened. I being totally uncomfortable at the thought of someone coming at me and being entirely violent I decided to pack up and leave the hotel. Suffering almost two demanding wee morning hours I arrived at home. The morning not to soon later I learned that friends do definitely come with an expiration date. For the time spent with them make sure they fulfill your needs and protect yourself....not allow anyone to be a bully either mentally or physically. Additionally its OK to say goodbye. So here is to you H......GOOD BYE CRAZY BITCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ME....NOW I'M FREE!!!!!