Everything is Illuminated

As the past 15 days breezed right past as if it were nothing I had many moments to myself to reflect. I suppose its easy to do when you are surrounded by a country full of beautiful single people. So many are betrothed to one another but a meager few acutally married. I was always the marrying kind but when it all comes down to it perhaps not. Traveling as a single is much easier than two. One suitcase, one passport and one responsible party. In a country full of singles its to any wonder why anyone would want to be married. Making expensive international phone calls to a man who had no interest in what you were doing or if you were still standing. Lucky if he so much as took the call at all. And when you were greeted by the sound of his voice how were you to expect that the sound on the other line would be so dissatisfied with you unbenounced. So is it any wonder as I embark on my last few hours in this beautiful city full of history and beauty; am I alone in it or is it alone in me?

A Little Questionnaire

I've come to realize that my last kiss...out of fairytale or a BMW commercial.....

I am listening to...Julia type fast.

I talk...as if its the last time I could conceivably do so.

I love... therefore I am.

My best friends... contribute to me fete of insanity.

My first real kiss...the skating rink at 9 years.

Love is...elusive at times.

Marriage is...not for the faint at heart.

Somewhere, someone is thinking...I think I'll take a deep breath now.

I always...walk through life with my mind clear and eyes open......ha.

The last time I really cried was because...I could not find the strength within myself to adjust to a new life.

My cell phone... is an electronic leash.

When I wake up in the morning... I desire tea.

When I go to sleep...I sleep.

Right now...at Julia's office killing time.

Babies are...equally elusive.

I get annoyed when...I cannot control my emotions.

Today I... am in Munich.

Tomorrow I... will be in Venice.

I really want to be...nowhere else but right here, right now.

It Does. As It Will

Age has a strange and beautiful way of catching up with you when you least expect it to. Just when you think you have reached your pinnacle of achievements and succcesses it nips at you in the hindparts. For example my travels have managed to take me over most landmarks. I absolutely enjoy my time away as I am a professional escape artist. When the environment around me gets too heavy on my shoulders I flee passport within my clutches. I travel to lands far away with the hopes of seeing those rarely whom can reinvigorate my mundane existince. I enjoy the heartbeat of every city I encounter; but the crux of my issue lies within my own heart. Its not fair to estimate that the reason I am here is due to a broken heart because after some mediatation on the subject I do not feel that I really had the opportunity to love at its core. Rather I was in surface love with an idea that did not suit me or really apply itself to my joy. I am not left alone with the wretches and ravages of a termination of love. While it seems like I have endured a significant amount of pain an embarassment I have survived it all still standing straight up on my pillar and continue to stride forward in life as I have yet to find its pause.

My own issues derive from an innate fantasy to actually live a life of normalcy. House, husband and children and undeniable love. These are things that I have only partially experienced and the love part was completely one-sided and entirely out of the question. So as I sit here and muse over the soothing sounds of German traffic and view the pastels of history in front of me is it to wonder what I am doing here? Is there a grander mission than this I should be exposed to. Is that which I so desire right within reasonable distance and I struggle to achieve its grasp? These are things that I don't understand. So I continue to be lead by heart and hand through my time here; girl bonded in friendship to navigate the sea of uncertainty once again however together as the sea is unprecdictable; it does. As it will.

Day One

We could not cut through the delectable conversation if our lives were at stake. Julia and I were one again. Discussing life, monies and relationships. Both of us happen to be at odds with the opposite sex and mutually frustrated with the opportunities that present themselves therefore we are not going to discuss that for the duration. The sun is shining and the energy in this city of bicycles is a force to be reckoned with. I rode around on a bike yesterday with a dog in the basket and cannot remember the last time I ever did such. Yesterday we went to Sausalitos and drank Margaritas in the sunshine and dug our feet into the glistening sands below. We enjoyed doner sandvich and had some tea and Aperol at La Chicerrita. If there is one place in the world I would highly consider my home away from home it would most certainly be Munchen!

Today we are off to the countryside to choose a hotel for the weekend' Waldfest and do some outdoor fun "alpine slide" adventures. We decided against traveling to Turkey and visiting Bodrum with Armagan. Instead we will travel to Venice which is the romance capital of the world. Its also the cuisine capital of the world. Real Italian food that will not subject my stomach to unforseen circumstance...PROST!

More to come in due time.

Lay Still Til' I'm Ready To Fight

There are the hours before flight. When you have time on your hands to get lost in your thoughts. There is no quiet of calm.  Just clicking of machines. The time passes as if the walls are caving in on you.  The tunnel to our destination is always long and narrow.  No final result is ever close or easy to arrive.  So as you sit and ponder on your own mental island there is a sense of emotions bubbling up.  What are the right things for me to be doing at this time in my life? Who is the right person for me?  Will I ever marry again?  Do I already know who is right for me and are they just under my nose within a waft?  And is my terminal delay a result of my own demise?  No one can be sure.

My life has always felt like a perpetual waiting game.  All of my deepest desires are always less than one mile away.  But it feels as if this mile is the longest of my life.  I run forever but its like as if I am a rag doll with needles sticking in.  As I make my sprint the walls around me are caving in  and I'm traveling a gangplank of possibilities.  Its short and my legs are long.  If I take brief strides will I have more of a chance of a rescue?  There is no one here but I to make these decisions.  I feel support from behind but is it within my reach?  Perhaps the person to save me has all of the faculties to do just that.  Perhaps this person's innate talent for rescuing people is just what I need to make the destination.  Perhaps the destination is one that I do not have to make on my own but rather one that we can trek together as our talents could potentially run parallel.  

My desires aside there are rules to knowing whether or not it is safe to say its okay to know what the right decision is for oneself.  I know that I have known mine for 1.6 years.  So continue my travels in the right direction; this time open minded and most patient.  I know that this typical scenario is atypical.  Then again I never resolved myself to be within status quo.  However if the shades; whether true or false, intellect and roots are all at the foundation of what can arise then I know the uniting of souls can be strong and solid.  Innate.

It Hurt So Bad....Just Like I Knew That It Would

So I suppose its safe to regard that I am not the only one that suffers in this world of dreams and reverie.  Everyone wants to feel the stars explode around them.  Staying awake at night is rather hard on the emotions; as this is the time that they tend to take shape never pleasing.  After a night of social filibuster with some of my greatest friends a glimmer of conversation resonated true;  new. New is what I desire.  New is going to get me where I need to be. Harboring the old and outdated is going to leave me wedged in a world of broken dreams; I need something new.  So while I ponder the past, things I did wrong, things others did wrong to me I made the executive decision that my time away from this life I lead will be spent on reflection, and contemplation about starting anew upon my return.  No longer can I continue to tolerate the unacceptable because I was brought into this world for a very special purpose and when each moment lacks that feeling I am only filching from my destiny.

The one thing I can hardly desire to change is the strength and support of the amazing friends I surround myself in. They are flawless and strong.  Subtle and awesome.  One in particular whom I know will partake in my overseas survival.  

I understand completely that I am one of the most fortunate. I have the ability to leave the world for awhile and take a look at it from the outside. Typically I dissect what the insides have to offer. I believe firmly that this time around I will not take too much time analyzing it rather boldly move the chess pieces around to where I so choose and make my moves.  This is a world of dreams and reverie. Everyone wants to feel the stars explode around them; I too will have that pleasure.....very soon.

Don't Call Me EMO!

I do not want to hear one more bleeding bit of sorrow. I am not sad. I am stark raving mad. And you want to know what? Its fine. You have your pathetic personality about you as do I.   Its acceptable for every lot to have one angry gruff of a girl and I am the one. And would you like to know what? I accept myself as such. I hear others whining and portraying the persona of the wounded soldier. Let's step up people. This is not Iraq; no one shot you.  Stand up.  So listen up because this one is going to be an incendiary one.  One that derives straight from this angry heart.  I'm hurt. It stings and we are not talking your ordinary Neosporin cut. We are talking heart wrenching gash to the shin after a nasty afternoon on the ten speed, I need stitches and have to sit five hours in the ER to deal with it kind of hurt.  And yes its the hurt that lives inside.  The kind of hurt that makes you listen to Riot Guurl music.  And it all happened so fast.  It all went black.

I was perfectly fine in my own private Idaho.  Living within my bubble of denial was a happy and safe existence.  Once the bubble burst and I went out on the scene to start dating... I never expected the minstrel show turned on its deaf fucking ear.  Trying to slowly remember just what happened was the anomaly in itself. It went as such.  I tried for a time to ignore a man who I thought was pathetic and beneath. I did my best work to ignore all signs of his matter on this planet.  I avoided certain streets within this God forsaken city of taxes and loose "r" dropping accents. I did my best to stay away. Family functions and visits to certain shopping boutiques were chided and redirected to alternative zones of safety.  But it was all too soon that on a weekend night at 2am a text message reopened the can of worms which I should have discarded a long time ago. So my can of worms and I did what we wanted to do rather than do what we felt was best.  We took the metal bits in the can and were drawn magnetically to the field of danger. We allowed a reenter to the world and digested its spoils.  Dinner, drinks, social events when you stare at each other from across the room longingly.  He wanted to be my lover. And I slightly allowed the notion to toy in my head that this could actually be a possibility.  I scratched at the itch and all I got was a rash of shit.

None too soon after the shine wore off I started to discover that the reasons why I walked away from this person from the very start were the same reasons that on this particular evening I have decided to take another walk in the opposite direction.  Immaturity, lack of compassion and an overall disdain for any sense of normalcy. And so its done. And here I stand bleeding from every hole in my heart.  Alone again.  Another faulty step in the wrong direction. Classic.

  The promise of love brings back the old gun.  Might as well draw and fire. The relationship is dead. And I fell down hard to my knees.  And it hurts; so if I complain for a little its because I might just be a little fragile at the moment.  But don't you dare call me EMO for what I have become. There is a heart turning to a dull beat.