I do not want to hear one more bleeding bit of sorrow. I am not sad. I am stark raving mad. And you want to know what? Its fine. You have your pathetic personality about you as do I. Its acceptable for every lot to have one angry gruff of a girl and I am the one. And would you like to know what? I accept myself as such. I hear others whining and portraying the persona of the wounded soldier. Let's step up people. This is not Iraq; no one shot you. Stand up. So listen up because this one is going to be an incendiary one. One that derives straight from this angry heart. I'm hurt. It stings and we are not talking your ordinary Neosporin cut. We are talking heart wrenching gash to the shin after a nasty afternoon on the ten speed, I need stitches and have to sit five hours in the ER to deal with it kind of hurt. And yes its the hurt that lives inside. The kind of hurt that makes you listen to Riot Guurl music. And it all happened so fast. It all went black.
I was perfectly fine in my own private Idaho. Living within my bubble of denial was a happy and safe existence. Once the bubble burst and I went out on the scene to start dating... I never expected the minstrel show turned on its deaf fucking ear. Trying to slowly remember just what happened was the anomaly in itself. It went as such. I tried for a time to ignore a man who I thought was pathetic and beneath. I did my best work to ignore all signs of his matter on this planet. I avoided certain streets within this God forsaken city of taxes and loose "r" dropping accents. I did my best to stay away. Family functions and visits to certain shopping boutiques were chided and redirected to alternative zones of safety. But it was all too soon that on a weekend night at 2am a text message reopened the can of worms which I should have discarded a long time ago. So my can of worms and I did what we wanted to do rather than do what we felt was best. We took the metal bits in the can and were drawn magnetically to the field of danger. We allowed a reenter to the world and digested its spoils. Dinner, drinks, social events when you stare at each other from across the room longingly. He wanted to be my lover. And I slightly allowed the notion to toy in my head that this could actually be a possibility. I scratched at the itch and all I got was a rash of shit.
None too soon after the shine wore off I started to discover that the reasons why I walked away from this person from the very start were the same reasons that on this particular evening I have decided to take another walk in the opposite direction. Immaturity, lack of compassion and an overall disdain for any sense of normalcy. And so its done. And here I stand bleeding from every hole in my heart. Alone again. Another faulty step in the wrong direction. Classic.
The promise of love brings back the old gun. Might as well draw and fire. The relationship is dead. And I fell down hard to my knees. And it hurts; so if I complain for a little its because I might just be a little fragile at the moment. But don't you dare call me EMO for what I have become. There is a heart turning to a dull beat.
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