Stale Like Bread

     Bread so stale, a microwave can't even help it.  That is us.  She gets you for hours, I get you for a minute. I gave up so much, she gives nothing....so what gives.  You work til' your fingers bleed and you are go to bed by 8:07 p.m.  She gets you til' 2:30 a.m., until you inquire.  What is left to lose? What is the point? There is no love and no respect left to give.  So you drink, you sleep, you read and you educate yourself to tune it out. You have no one left. You have given everyone up and at what cost.  You are alone, utterly alone in your principles. There isn't even the warmth of a machine to keep you. The highways take you home before 9:00 p.m. but at what cost?  No parents, no family, no anything, nothing and none.  And you have no respect and the bread is stale.  

     There is nothing left other than a list of what you could've done better, where you failed. Where you forgot to read his social media post.....that is what you are reduced to. That is all that is left. Shame on you.  Where is your brain. There is nothing left and it hurts so bad.  But how much crumbling cake can you eat.?  How much further can you cross over that line before the ground falls in front of you?  Who is there to catch you when you fall? Who is there to laugh at your jokes? You are alone again. You know  you are! You have been here before and here you are again. Maybe that book you wrote about deja vu would've been a great read again and again. You should think for your self, feel for yourself, but you don't....you give it all up. The marriage, the life, the kids, the money.......all of it. For the insults, the degradation, the lack of respect.  There is nothing left. You are stripped out version of what you always wanted to be. Maybe you should strip what is left of your hair and go platinum too? No one knows you anymore, you don't even know yourself. No one thinks you are serious.  No one one cares about you anymore. You are a laughing stock of your former self. They are all laughing at what you have become.  Shame on you. She gets you til' 2:30 a.m., with her cigarettes on the floor. You get nothing. Your journey ends at 8:07 p.m.  So just shut up and go to sleep alone physically because there is nothing left emotionally to hang on to.

When I Was Younger

I used to be an excellent writer. Rumor has it people really liked what I had to say; but then something went terribly wrong.  I got happy. And when you are happy things change. You start to forget about all the pertinent things. The things that make you think. The things that keep you awake at night, get tossed aside. Any you end up nesting up and forgetting all the things that are important to you.  You set out in life to be the very most successful person on the planet and you are mired in mediocrity of the relationship and you end up dumbing yourself down to fit the needs of your partner and then you find yourself after a period of time alone again. Relationship or not you are truly alone.  You don't even realize it. You make justifications for the things that you are allowing your partner to get away with. You chide with their shortcomings to account for the the feelings you put aside because you think that perhaps you are being a tad overzealous in the simple things that you are asking for alas, there you are. 9:00 p.m., on a Friday night after working for 100+ hours a week and the motherfucker wants to get home early for whatever the reason is?

Perhaps its a Barrett Jackson auction or some other distraction but seriously on a Friday night; that is a simple lack of interest in the relationship and a lack of knowledge as to what I need and what I am going through. And I know quite clearly that there isn't a squire on earth that would not jump at the opportunity to jump at me and alas I feel that this notion is being chided by someone who is not painful aware of the spenders of our relationship.  Do I stay, do I go?

Do I ask him to go? I have not a clue.  I would've thought by not that whatever I have gone through has been enough. Hasn't God tested me enough? Have I yet to prove my mental endurance? Have I yet to prove my mental stability? Because other than my physical size, my mental size continues to wane. I don't know how much more time I have to deal with the small stuff I am faced with.  I need my strength!  I need my fight! I haven't found her in awhile!  I have not found her in years.  But I continue my search. I continue my quest.  There are others that settle but yet I'm out for the best. Where is he? Where is he?  IS he here? Does he just need to put his guard down? Or is there a changing of the guard?