Feel The Rush

So we all thoroughly enjoyed the bit of warmer weather experienced over the past weekend. I know that I was totally excited to get outside and hit the trails. It was invigorating really. While I was enjoying the white powder of Vermont I think about a man I recently encountered which reminded me of a different kind of white powder.....because he must have been on crack.

Two weekends past I went for a girls night. And we had quite a night traipsing from venue to venue with no regard for anyone other than the impending company. Until, CRAZY FROG lept out from the rock under which he came from seeing me as little more than a tasty meal fly. I was scared. As I sat on my stool aka observation perch this man took it upon himself to slide my way in the hopes for GOD only knows what. So there I was enjoying my 5th drink of the day. I was definitely feeling no pain but senses were on high alert...you can't make this shit up.....because it went just like this.

"Hi, my name is Mike and I've been noticing you stare at me all night long so I thought I would take a moment to come by and tell you how beautiful you are. I want to tell you a little bit about myself. I am a school teacher in the Providence School Department. I have two children and I am recently living with my parents until I get back on my feet. But you are really beautiful can I get your number? What is your name again?"

Can we see the obvious blunder here. First of all you need to visualize the fact that while this man was way to close into my personal space he spit all over my face as he carefully attempted to mask his blatant lisp. They must call him Mr. Raincoat at school. He immediately gave me the family and career role call unannounced to me. He was so concerned about divulging his personal business that he never managed to ask me my name. And let's be direct here; I was not staring at him.....I don't stare and I would have only looked in his direction as a result of his stark similarity to ET. So what was I to do.........KILL HIM DEAD.....and it went like this........

"Hi I'm Alissa as you so rudely forgot to ask. I am a Bank Manager at a large European firm. I have no children, I own my own home. I am firmly planted on my own two feet. Now if you will please excuse me I have to go Purell my face....you spit all over it......Mark."

And his reply went as such.

"Ok that's cool. Go clean up. When you get back I want your number."

Again, you can't make this shit up..........so I go to the loo with the hope the earth will open and swallow this man whole so that I never have to see him ever again. So just as I leave the loo I see this man staking me out. Do I go back into the crowd or do I skulk through the dance floor and out the front door. Skulking is always fun....lets do that.

So I make my way towards the door hoping to not trip over my own feet when I am face to face with "Mike" again. And here we go.........

"So Alisha.....did you think about giving me your number. We would look so great together....you are really pretty...you will like my children. You look like you would be good with kids."

And I really did not know what to do next.....so I just started to scream at the top of my lungs "GOOOOOOO AWAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

And he was like "WHYYYY??????"

And I had to "YOU HAVE HERPES!"

And it was at that point I realized; I know too many people in this state. Monday morning someone in my building asked me why I yelled "herpes" in the bar.

I want to shoot myself. I'm never drinking again. Stupid crack head!